J and I got home several hours ago. We took her car it cost less than $100 to go up and back. It took 10 1/2 hours to go up and 10 to return home. I drove most of the way.

Talked to my babies a couple of hours ago. I feel as if they are slowly slipping away. My heart falls apart every time I talk to them.

I've decided to try to be kind in my conversations with the aunt. I hate her so much, but I want any time I can get with my babies. If I can only get limited visits with my children until they are both 18, then I'll have to accept that. However, I truly believe the aunt, DHS and the judge will NEVER agree to that. There are so many 'under the table' things going on, but I can't prove any of it.

I may get to fly to see my children for 2 hours, the weekend of the 20th, at Chuck E Cheese. What kind of visit will that be? I have no choice. My life is in control of someone who wants my children away from me forever. I can't do anything about it.

J and I had fun doing nothing. We went to see HAPPY FEET with my youngest sister and her 2 boys. Griff has decided he wants J to be his girlfriend---he's 6 years old. He tried kissing J. It was so funny. J is going to tell her friends that she has a boyfriend and she's already met his mom and grandparents. It took awhile to not be sad because my sisters had their children. I've always been the sister who never did anything wrong, now look at my life. I still don't think I've done anything wrong---I tried to save my family---and I'm being condemned.

I guess I'm going to pack up my children's room because I can't bear to see any signs of them here. It's as if they've died, but they're 22 hours away, and I can't be a part of their lives. I have a huge house but I'll be all alone in 2 weeks when J goes back to college.

I'm having difficulty stopping the crying. I was sad not to be home because I missed being at home where my kids used to live. Now that I'm home it hurts even worse.

I know I'll get through this because that's just what I do, but it hurts like @#($*#*&^%

I haven't slept much in the last 5 days. My mind can't stop thinking of all the possible answers to questions I wish would get asked. I'm tired of trying to second guess the lawyers and the judge. The next hearing isn't until Feb, that's a lot of sleepless nights. The more I suffer the better everyone else must feel. I'm sorry for being so negative, but it's all I can see.

I'm thankful to know that trees continue to grow even when they suffer from extreme weather conditions. The only hope I feel is that I'm loved, even though it's only in my heart, head and memory. It's only that hope that keeps me going. My relationship with my 2 oldest has definitely grown, but at a horrible price to my 2 youngest. Why do bad things seem to continuously happen to me? I just need a major pity party, maybe I'll pull an all nighter. I don't seem to be able to sleep---although I'm so glad to be home in my own bed.

aafe

J and I leave for a 12 hour drive tomorrow at 7:00. I'm nervous about leaving most of my family behind. I'll be glad when we're back. I've had a terrible fear of traveling for about 23 years. I'll be praying all the way to and from.

My sister J and daughter M believe I should hope for the appeal. My daughter J thinks I should try to mend the broken family ties and allow my 'sister-in-law' to have guardianship of my children. She's worried about how I'll feel if I don't get to see my babies. Now I'm down to once a month, on the 'aunt's' terms. She will have total control no matter what. I don't know what to do. I want to win this whole battle and get my children back for good. I don't know.

Won't be able to write until after the new year. Enjoy!

aafe

On Christmas day I got to talk to MY children for a few minutes. They told me about their plane ride and the gifts they'd received. It was pretty uneventful.

When the kids were done talking I asked to talk to the aunt. I pretty much blasted her with questions and comments: why do you hate me, family doesn't act like this, why were you against me, I am still their mom, do you know what it's like to have your children taken from you. I know there were many others---I was so mad. She couldn't give her standard answer of whatever the court decides. I also caught her off guard and I sensed she felt quite defensive and uneasy. Hooray for me. Then I talked to my sisters and didn't think I should have done that. They said she could refuse my phone calls and the court would not find her in contempt, which is true. So I'll call and apologize sometime this week. Hopefully she'll think about what I said. I never would have confronted anyone, so I think the meds are working. Now I just have to learn to control the new me.

Life goes on. This week J and I are going to drive 12 hours to visit my family. Neither of us wants to go, but after all they've done for me, I feel I must. We probably won't leave until Thursday, I suppose. Today I see my therapist and my lawyer.

aafe

It was difficult in church today as people are celebrating with their families. All I could think about was that my children are far away from me. I may never get to see them again. I wondered what they were doing and if they even thought of me. I know they'll be happy, and most of those people are probably rejoicing that they've taken my children from me.

Not much else to say. My older children and I are just going through the motions of the holiday, waiting for it to be over. Tomorrow we'll pretend we are enjoying life.

I'm ready for the season to be over.

aafe

It was one of the worst and yet best two hours of my life. It was the last time I will probably be allowed to see my children. We talked and played and cried. As the minutes ticked by I fell apart emotionally. With just 15 minutes left I couldn't quietly control my tears. I hugged, kissed and told them I loved them forever. Nothing could take my love away. They just wanted to know when they'd get to see me again and I had no answer. They are but 2 miles from my house for the next 20 hours, yet I am not allowed to see them. I know they'll be happy while I am miserable. The family is probably celebrating in their own sick way that I have lost my children and they have total control over my life.

I have to believe that my children will always love me and someday come back to me. It's very hard to believe that when I know the family they are living with will consider me dead, just as my late husband, their son and brother. They are all about punishing me. All of this has nothing to do with my children's welfare.

My life has to move on. I wait for the next court date in February when the next chapter of my life is written by those intent on destroying a loving and caring mom.

My oldest children are still in town and we'll get together for Christmas. My 18 year old and I may travel to see my parents and sisters sometime next week, but just for a few days. I'd rather stay home, but everyone far away would be too upset about my mental welfare if I didn't show up for at least a few days.

Tonight I have to finish my shopping. This fall has been extremely difficult to find the courage to get out to do anything. I have to get it done so my children will have presents on Monday. Hopefully I'll have time to stop by a friend's house on the way home, as both of my kids are busy this evening. I need some reassuring that life will go on.

aafe