The bathroom is now painted but still need to hang things on the wall. Not a bad job considering I did it alone.

Got most of the little ones' things boxed and moved downstairs. I fell apart after the moving was finished. I played some songs on the piano and cried and cried. I feel so helpless, which I feel quite often.

Tomorrow I go back to work. At some point I'll explain to everyone where my life is now and they'll sit there in disbelief that DHS and the judge would go this far.

Not much else, just waiting and existing.

aafe

I've decided to take my two oldest with me to visit my youngest. They probably will not be allowed to see their brother and sister, but I may take them with me anyway. My two oldest and I are going to celebrate my daughter's 21st birthday. I want this to be as special as I can make it, considering the circumstances. I need to focus on the two children I still have in my life.

I need a break from all of this heartache. Maybe I can go visit one of the places I used to enjoy.

aafe

I was sooooo happy when I was paid more of what was owed me on Dec. 1. He apologized and told me he'd try to have the rest of Dec. $$ by Mon. Then he has to pay for Jan, but maybe he's truly worried because I told him what I planned to do if he didn't live up to the contract. I intended to do as I told him. I finally have a backbone where business is concerned. I refuse to let myself be taken advantage of. Hooray!

Now if that backbone would only show up in other times in my life. At least I know I have one. Now I need to learn how to use it effectively. Finally I'm finding the woman my husband always saw but I could never find. Thank you!

Painted the bathroom, but tomorrow it will need another coat. YUK.

My youngest sister called to check on my emotional well being. I ended up crying some because I miss my youngest children. She told me she was proud of the way I was surviving through all of this @*&#$*#&$*
Thanks to those of you who see a strong person---someday I'll see her too. I know I'll make it through because I see no other choice---I'm just in survival mode.

aafe

My oldest turned 21 today. J is quite upset because the aunt didn't have them call their sister to wish her happy birthday. The cousin called, so it's not like his mom didn't know about the birthday. He's still at home on his break from college. Just more proof to us that she has total control and intends to make sure we remember that.

Haven't been able to work on the kids' room, but primed their bathroom so I can paint tomorrow. It took me forever---it's only a half bath. I don't have control over much in my life, so I've decided I can change things in my house. I do NOT like to paint, but I can't do much else around the house, except clean. YUK!!!

Not much else going on. Just waiting for time to pass. It seems my favorite past time is eating. It's about the only thing that gives much comfort. I've gained 20 pounds in the last 2 months. I don't deal with stress too well.

aafe

Talked to my therapist for 2 hours today. I cried more than normal. He asked how my trip to see my family went, that began the waterfall of tears. I've only been able to focus on the apparent certainty that my children will be gone forever. Now it appears the appeal will fail also. My therapist was going to talk to my lawyer to find out what's going on. My life is rapidly falling apart, with each ray of hope quickly diminishing. I've got to find the link in all of these puzzle pieces.

I started packing my children's clothes away and it broke my heart. The waterfall began again.

A very curious and interesting tidbit----my therapist has decided to grow a beard just as my husband had. The beginnings of that beard gives him a very strong facial resemblance to my husband---good or bad??????

My youngest sister thinks I should get a law degree to help those who are financially unable to hire a lawyer to keep DHS from tearing other families apart. Why should I go back and get another degree? I hated the law class I took several years ago, it was too abstract for me. There's got to be another reason I'm being subjected to this kind of torture. What has God got in store for me? Where should my life be heading?

Went to the tire store and the owner wasn't in, hadn't been and wouldn't be. He was supposed to pay me but he had another excuse. I told him he had 2 weeks to get caught up or I'd be involving my lawyer and having an eviction notice drawn up. He asked me not to involve my lawyer but I told him I'd grown quite tired of the excuses. Then I had them change my oil and I chose not to pay until the owner called me to talk about it. Was I assertive or what? Am I going overboard? I'm tired of being taken advantage of and letting everybody walk all over me. I go from one extreme to the other. Eventually I find a middle ground.

aafe