I have many mixed emotions regarding this past weekend. Just getting to and from all of the airports was an experience. Every single flight was delayed at least one hour, either due to weather in some other city preventing the airplane to leave to reach the airport we needed to leave from. We ended up staying one extra night because flights kept getting cancelled and switching to other airlines didn't help, even switching our final destination 2 hours west, that still was cancelled.

I'm too exhausted to get into all of the weekend's happenings. Lots of emotions to deal with---anger, irritation, sadness, joy, impending doom, huge charge card bills (but J & M are extremely happy).

M & J shopped for 2 days and spent as much of their mom's money as they could, but they had a wonderful time. This was the first and only time we'll probably go crazy like this, but it was well worth their joy and delight.

I'm ready for a good night's sleep in my own bed with no noise from my children's cell phones.

I was put in several situations in which I had to rely on my new found independence and assertiveness, with which I was totally comfortable---I never would have believed it. Depression medicine is very good.

S absolutely LOVED Elmo. He was the hit of yesterday's visit. EVERYBODY laughed, even the stone faced unemotional aunt and her female friend. That's another topic of irritation, but for another blog.

More later. Now I have to start gearing up for Feb. 7, the termination hearing.

Bye for now.

aafe

This week has been fairly uneventful. Work has been enjoyable and I've gotten to spend time with some friends and family. Tomorrow my older children and I travel to see my babies. The younger kids aren't allowed to know their sisters have travelled with me because they aren't going to be able to see each other, per the Aunt.

I talked with S & C tonight on the phone. Neither one seemed to have much to share, but they are looking forward to seeing me for a couple of hours on Saturday and Sunday. They want hugs and kisses from me and they have many to give me. I'm soooo excited to see them, but I'm also afraid it may be the last time for many years.

The Aunt will not allow me to ask questions about my children, but I do anyway, she just won't answer. I am dreading sharing any space with her but I have no choice.

My older children and I are going to sight see and go shopping. They are happy to get away from here and get to spend time together. They get to make the plans while I am the driver. I'm really looking forward to spending this time with them. This will be the first ever weekend away with just M & J to do what they'd like. I hope we get the chance to do this every once in awhile. Getting to spend quality time with M & J is one of the positive things that has come from this awful set of circumstances.

I've got to get some sleep because tomorrow will be a VERY long day. Enjoy the weekend.

aafe

My heart won't stop aching and my hope continues to fade. I need to feel the love from my babies and soon the court will take it all away. I adopted them because I wanted to be their mom and watch them grow up and soon that dream will be gone. I have a strong need to be able to touch, hug, and kiss my family. My two oldest allow me to hug and kiss them but with moaning and "oh, mom." My babies would welcome it and let me love on them and they in turn would let me know how much they loved me. I'm able to count the minutes until my heart is ripped out of my chest. Why is such cruelty permitted by the court? I have been given no choice but to have most of my family taken from me.

I need to feel loving warmth from my family. I have such a desire to be held, comforted and loved by those that have been taken from me. I have gone back to being a nameless faceless person who apparently must be destroyed before she tries to love and take care of anyone again. I want to be a wife and mom again. Why is my love so toxic? I listen to the music my husband and I used to listen to as we drifted off to sleep. The music is comforting yet painful. My dreams have been shattered.

I hurt so much but I don't have any control over that pain. I wait for the next blow and try to survive it the best way I can. To think that I could miss out on the next 10-11 years of my children's live is unbearable. Why does the court think I deserve this?

Please don't miss out on any of your time with your children, you never know when it all may be gone.

aafe

Well, I didn't get my kids' room painted. When the weekend gets here I just want to relax, so I did.

I did get the fish in S's tank moved to two of the other tanks. The big fish looks great in AG's tank. However, he has tried to explore some of the other fish and they don't particularly like that. The three zebra fish are in my tank and seem to be doing quite nicely. I really enjoy watching them swim around and interact with the others in the tank. I'd rather be enjoying the fish with my family, but that is not to be at this moment in time.

I also cleaned AG's tank and it looks much nicer now. My guppies are growing quite well. I'd love to get a few more tanks going, but then I don't know where they'd go, so I'll stick with the ones I have now.

J goes back to college tomorrow, so once again I am all alone. Alone isn't always bad. I'm looking forward to time alone to think, cry or be angry and not worrying my kids.

Enjoy the week.

aafe

Life is just going on, nothing particularly eventful. A little less than 4 weeks until the termination hearing. One week from today and I will have flown across many states to visit with my children for 2 hours. I fear it may be the last 2 hours for at least 10 more years, but I can't dwell on that because I can't endure that pain.

I do however keep in mind that I will continue to grow a backbone and nurture my tree. All I can focus on is me and my two oldest children. Maybe that's what is supposed to happen.

This weekend I'm going to try to paint my children's room. I need to change the look of their room for me; it is too painful to pass by their room and realize that they may never call it their room again.

I keep myself focused on the future because it's the only hope I feel I have left. I am confident I will be happy, I'm just not sure when or where.

aafe