Next Wednesday I find out the court's final decision. I'm sure it's what my side has believed it would be---against me. All we can do is prepare for the appeal. At least through all of this I have risen above my severe depression and that has been wonderful. I've never been this clear headed and thinking positively.

I can't and won't beat myself up over everything that has happened in the last 6-7 months. All I can do is continue to fight the next chapter in my life. My sister has been assured that in a few years, when my youngest are 10-12 years old, they will begin to question the aunt as to why they are not allowed to see or speak to me. They will continue to ask and finally realize what role she has played in all of this. At some time they will figure out a way to get in touch with me. So all I can do is wait and keep track of my feelings so they'll be able to read ablout what I've tried to do. I'll think of them and make wishes that they won't know about for many many years, but I'll have kept track of all of that in a notebook for them to read.

I've been trying for 2 days to speak to them but nobody ever answers. Last weekend it took me 3 days to get someone to answer the phone. I've only tried 5 times so far. The answering machine is always full so I can't leave a message. I think that is a convenient way to make sure my children won't have any messages to listen to---my paranoia I'm sure. Oh well. I'll try and try and try.

Enjoy the weekend.
aafe

I turn myself in tomorrow. I will not have to post bail just do a signature bond. This is soooo scarey but not unhandleable.

Talk to my lawyer today and he says I'll have to start gearing up for Feb 7. He and I'll rehearse on Thursday. My boss will come with me because she will be testifying also. I've got to remember to say that I was manipulated by my ex and was also a victim. He wasn't too upset that I was kind of @)#($*(#)% to the CASA worker about the aunt.

I'm handling myself fairly well. I have lapses of depression but know I'll get through it. I have a wonderful support system, including the replies from those of you reading my blog. Thank you very much for the encouragement you've provided. I'm not finished yet, but I've made it this far. I'm still months away from all of the issues being resolved in court. Then I will bring up everything I can out of court. I'm not sure how, but it will happen.

Tomorrow I'll consult with another lawyer, just to see if there are any other suggestions for next week's hearing. It's only $$$$$$. My children are worth whatever it costs me. Why isn't a mother's love for her children worth anything in court???????

Enough for now. Yesterday I spent several hours renewing my hope. It's amazing how GOD can restore hope by putting a few people in my path for the day. I have to remember that I am strong and NOBODY will take away my strength and hope that GOD's plan will be shown to me someday.

GOD bless all of you.

My children will always be my children regardless of where the court keeps them. It's your heart that really matters, that cannot be taken by the court.

My lawyer thinks everything (legally--in court) could be resolved by early summer, except of course the appeals which could take more than a year. The year will be an eternity to me, but only the wink of an eye for GOD.

aafe

I turn myself in first thing Monday morning. I'm not allowed to drive myself anywhere until after Monday morning. If I should get stopped for anything then I would be taken to jail. Why must I go through this?

How convenient that it happens just before my Feb 7 hearing. If I should have to go to jail, then why would the court even want to consider letting me have my children back?

So whose lawyer made sure this all happened in this time frame? Am I paranoid or just seeing the next part of someone's plan unfold? Probably a little of both. I was told much earlier on that the enemy wanted to see me in jail. All I can do is fight.

I talk to my lawyer tomorrow. I will tell him that I want the senior partner added to my payroll. I've know him since my car accident in 1983. He usually represents the scum, but he's good---really good.

Life goes on, certainly not as I could have ever imagined it would. I'm the good girl who never does anything bad, I don't have it in me. Now I feel as if I'm a disgrace to my whole family, especially my two oldest children. I thank God that apparently I was a good parent to them and instilled the love of family. I'm not sure they've ever wavered in their devotion and love for me. They are wonderful children.

My depression is getting the better part of me right now, but I'm trying to hold on. I'd like to eat and eat, but I can't run to the store for donuts or cookies and I'm too lazy to cook anything.

I've tried calling my babies for 2 days and no answer. Amazingly enough the answering machine has been full for about a week so nobody can even leave a message. How convenient.

aafe

I didn't see how things could get worse, but they did. I received a letter stating that a warrant for my arrest had been issued for endangering the welfare of a minor. I have to turn myself in by next Wednesday. When does my life stop falling apart?

What do I do now????

aafe

This past weekend has left me exhausted, both emotionally and physically. I don't really want to think about much of the weekend, because I seem to focus on the aunt who is intent on taking my children from me. All of the anger I feel for her seems to outweigh all of the good times I had with all of my children. I know it shouldn't, but my family life will be determined two weeks from today and I feel helpless and hopeless.

I have therapy tomorrow and talk to my lawyer on Friday. I'm just trying to make it through the next two weeks. Then my therapy sessions will be focused on getting me through the next 10 years without my babies. I just can't go there right now.

I'll blog later. Thanks for the support and prayers from everyone.

aafe