When does the torture stop? I'm tired of feeling "beaten up" when court is over. Today the aunt testified that my children did not want to talk to me, and that when we did talk they were distraught the rest of the evening in throughout the night. She stated that my conversations were not allowing my children to heal. Isn't it possible that my children are distraught because they can't come home?

My two oldest children are no longer allowed to talk on the phone to their brother and sister. Once again my oldest children are being punished for my bad judgement.

What good has any of this done? Once again I feel like #($%*&$(. I'm tired of crying but I can't stop. Why do they hate me so much? I only want to raise my babies and nobody seems to care. Nothing I say seems to make any difference. I'm sooooo tired and worn out.

Once again we didn't finish and will continue on March 1. I get to endure the emotional torture yet again. I am their object of cruelty. The emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse with which I must endure at each court hearing is abominable. Why is the abuse the court can dole out allowable?

I'm exhausted. Tomorrow morning will come too soon. I've got to keep my faith and focus on GOD, but days like these make it difficult to understand why GOD would even allow this to continually happen.

Too tired to continue tonight.
aafe

If I SETTLE for permanent custody to an aunt who is trying to take my children away from me forever, then I am giving up. I have decided that I MUST fight this until the end. I will not give into the system who truly does not stand behind their belief in family.

Tomorrow I will assemble all of those who are fighting with me and for me (a.k.a.GOD's army) and convince them that I intend to win. With GOD's help and wisdom for all of us, we will prevail. From the beginning I believed that GOD was building an army for me with each new person he put in my path. I lost that vision, but I believe in asking GOD for his wisdom in making the best decision for my children's future, he reminded me that HE would not forsake me if I followed and believed in HIM. I can't believe it took me so long to find the right path again. I didn't even realize I had strayed so far from GOD's path. I know that GOD gave me everyone I needed, so that for each person's weakness he put someone in my path to fill that weak spot. My faith has been renewed a hundred-fold. I just want to rejoice with screams of exuberation at what GOD can do in one person's life.

My lawyer may be really angry with me for the time he wasted in trying to gently coax the enemy into the alternative to termination, but I know in my heart that this is what should be done. I am not depressed and am fully capable of making my own decisions. Today's court hearing was postponed by GOD so that I could truly have time to pray and wait for GOD to answer me.

I got my family into this horrible situation because of my mental illness (depression) and I intend to convince the judge that I will not let anybody fix this mess but me. Taking responsibility for my actions include healing my family, especially my children---all 4 of them. I know GOD will use his wisdom to give me everything I need to get my family back.

It's amazing how GOD works. Why did I have to be so stubborn? How could I forget that GOD and his angels have been with me the entire time?

I can't even describe the new life and faith I have found tonight. All I had to do was give my problem totally up to GOD and wait for his answer. I am ready for the battle tomorrow with a renewed sense of strength. GOD is great!!!!!

all my love forever!!!!!

We never made it into court today. We waited for over 4 hours for the hearings ahead of us to finish or begin. I stressed for the entire afternoon wondering whether or not I would remain the mother of 4 or 2 children. Tomorrow we are supposed to begin testimony at 10:00 and last at least 4 hours. My lawyer tried to negotiate with DHHS, but I'm not sure whether I should let him continue. My choices may be: permanent custody by the aunt with limited visitation with my kids, or take my chances that we can convince the judge that my children will not be in harms way if they are returned to me. I want my children back with me, but do I risk losing them altogether forever or take the certainty of at least limited visitation? While there are pros and cons to both I am experiencing a great deal of uncertainty. Please pray that GOD gives me the wisdom and certainty to know which option to choose for tomorrow.

Even if all parties agree to the permanent custody the judge still has the final decision to agree or disagree. The aunt's lawyer will NOT protest the permanent custody---why should he, the aunt wins.

My decision should be all about my children, but which one can I truly feel I've done all I could?

The aunt didn't come to my state for the hearing, which is not what I expected, but I was glad. I felt an enormous relief at not having to look at the person with whom I have been fighting with to keep my children. I felt I could focus all of my energy on winning in court. It seems as if nothing has gone in my favor throughout this entire nightmare, but I'm not ready to give up. I love my children and want to remain their mother, at MY HOME.

Which option will my youngest children, as they mature, believe was the option I should have taken if I truly loved them? I know that no matter the outcome they will always want to know why I didn't do something differently. I need to be able to honestly answer their questions and believe in my heart that I did all I could possibly do. The appeal to the possible termination would definitely be an enormous uphill battle.

I have all night and into tomorrow to pray for wisdom from GOD regarding my decision about my children.

aafe

Later today is the big day----do I remain my children's mother or not?

I feel fairly confident in my ability to maintain my composure and prove to the court that my severe depression is indeed in remission. I feel better than I've felt in years. I am confident my lawyer will be doing everything he can to prove that my mental illness (depression) is not a threat to my children's safety.

Most of my family is here despite many airline delays. My oldest children will arrive in time for court.

J is stressing about keeping up with college classes and other obligations at college. I hope that after tomorrow she'll be able to concentrate on school.

I've given my lawyer many questions for issues I'd like him to raise when the opportunity arises.

Pray for my children about 1:30.

aafe

I know this court is against me. I don't believe they've ever had my children's best interest in mind. I just receieved a copy of the report by the CASA worker. While she states that both of my children have expressed a desire to come home, the worker recommended that the paternal aunt get permanent custody of my children. I knew that is what would happen, but it has still broken my heart once again. Every time I feel good the axe has to fall and bring me down. You'd think I'd have no tears left but I manage to find a steady stream when it comes to losing my kids. Why doesn't it matter how much I love my children. I've gotten help for my depression, attended classes, gone to therapy, and divorced my husband but that doesn't seem to matter eventhough the court ordered all of that. I've become the ball they throw around waiting for it to deflate. I deflate each time but miraculously find the energy to come back. I know my babies love me and that will have to get me through the next 10-11 years.

I must go on---I have no choice.
aafe