I'm waiting for my visitations for this week. I may not be able to see my children because I have a therapy appointment on the only day they can let me see my babies. However, the next 5 weeks have already been scheduled. Everybody wants to put the scheduling burden on everyone but me. I'm not allowed to help. I've asked for visitation for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but no response.

My appointment with my lawyer was postponed until Friday right after lunch. I have plans to go see my baby, but I need to find some things she and I can do together. I suppose I'll have to hunt for internet suggestions. I have yet to make motel reservations. I wanted to surprise her, but she wanted to come home so I told her I was coming to visit her so she didn't have to spend some of her gas money. I think she really misses being home.

My oldest daughter and I are thinking about building sometime next year. She'd like to build on my hill. I suggested I own the land but she could build a house on the north corner. I intend for the land to stay in the family. I haven't really thought about when I'd like to build, but I sure would like to get out of this house. I'd have to find house plans and the time to hire a builder. I really don't want to be in charge of any of that. What's a girl to do?

I purchased some guppies, and now I'm a grand-fishy. I have 8 grand-fishies. I'm soooooo excited. I just lay on the floor and watch them swim. Two of the females were with guppettes, or whatever they're called. They are my first try at fish from purchase until whatever happens with them, hopefully they'll stay alive for quite awhile. I think my male guppy isn't going to be alive too long. He doesn't look too good. Oh well. I suppose he couldn't handle all of the females in his life.

Tomorrow is voting day. I wonder who I'll see at the polling place. I'm going to try to go on my planning time at 9:00. I'm hoping to miss some of the crowd. My 18 year old voted absentee and she was very excited. I wish she and I could have gone together, maybe next time.

I thank God that I still receive gifts each day. My oldest and I have had some very good conversations lately---about life. She and I are having many of the same experiences in our lives regarding the feelings others have about the issues with my youngest. Good things have come out of this horrible trauma in our lives. I'll finally get out from under the depression I've been plagued with, but didn't know how severe it was. The profound hopelessness I've felt for years isn't nearly as debilitating as it was just a few weeks ago. I never would have guessed I could feel this optimistic for such a long period of time. I still get depressed and cry, usually sobbing, but I also am able to recover within a few hours and see some of the positive possibilities in my life. Eventhough it seems fairly sure the court will rule against me, I know that I should be able to triumph with my appeal(s).

Need to go. I've recently acquired a new CD and must finish listening to the music. The first song is one of my favorites and I must have smiled all the way home. It was just what my heart needed. It reminded me of the happy times of my life and of the happy times yet to be. I wish everyone could be as lucky as I am. I believe my life will come together some day, and when it does, it will have been worth the wait. God will work miracles as he does every day.

My oldest daughter came back home today. She'd been to visit a friend, along with his mother. She and I must have talked for at least an hour. She shared her feelings about her marriage and how she feels and why. A divorce seems immenent. Her husband has continued to drink despite many promises to quit. She has finally gotten tired of the promises, lies and verbal and emotional abuse. I told her I'd support her in her decision, just as my family has supported me through this time of extreme trials. She has been worn down by the 'beatings' she's taken on her self-esteem.

I've told my daughter that I'd take both of my oldest daughters on a short trip for her 21st birthday. Of course, that depends on the status of my two youngest children. If I have any chance of getting to be with them over the holidays, that will take priority; the oldest understand that. My oldest children are AMAZING! I am so thankful for them---they have never deserted me while our family life is left in the hands of the courts. I couldn't have asked for any more from them.

Next Friday I'll leave town to go visit my child at college. I plan to stay the night and surprise her on Saturday. I can't wait to surprise her. I'd like to take her to eat and do a little shopping and just spending time together. I try not to take time with my children for granted. My husband often reminded me to hug and kiss them and tell them I love them. I do a much better job at doing all of those automatically, eventhough they sometimes moan and groan at me, but I know they love it. They don't try to escape because they know I'll follow them around until they let me love on them. Thank you for your encouragement.

I'm back to feeling a little optimistic in my life. I've talked to enough to my family to get the boost I need to get through for a little while. I feel enough anger to keep me going. Now I just need to be able to focus that anger to get my children back. They'll be back, but what age will they be? God will bless me if I continue to believe and have faith. I lost that for a few days, but I've found it again.

I took M out to dinner tonight. We talked about what has happened in our lives the past few months. I tried to explain to her why I fell in love with my ex-husband and why I still loved my in-laws. She seemed to understand and not be mad at me. We talked about my relationship with her deceased father which helped her further understand why I remarried. It was a very comfortable discussion and she accepted, I think, my feelings. I was so glad we had the chance to talk about our hearts and our needs from the men in our lives.

I'm watching the football game---it's a nailbiter. Tomorrow I watch the races---I wish I was there.

I am so in love with life, for the most part, and my family. I am luckier than I ever believed I would be. God is sooooo good! I need to focus on God, not my circumstances. He'll get my family through all of this if I'll give him the chance. It may not be when I'd like it to be, but it will happen.

Next weekend will be wonderful!!! My visit will be what I need in my life, to get away for a few hours and focus on someone other than me.

She'll be home from visiting a friend who graduated from basic training. She enjoyed getting away from all of the traumas that have been thrown our way lately. She had a very difficult time in court when she had to listen to her father's sister lie, under oath, to try to convince the court that her brother and sister should be taken away from me. My daughter has been wonderful through all of this. She has never once wavered from supporting me, eventhough my decisions have caused all of us heartache we never could have imagined. My children are the most wonderful gifts God has ever given me. Their loyalty and support are immeasurable. I did something right in raising them. I am so proud to claim them as my children. Thank you, God, for blessing me with wonderful, intelligent, and caring adult daughters. I couldn't have done any better. They understand what being family is all about. I love them dearly and more than they'll ever understand. I am happy that I can still be thankful for something in my life. I'm thankful for many other people who are in my life, but I can't name them all, I just hope they know. My work family is absolutely wonderful. They'd do anything to help me, if I only knew what that could be.

This has been such an emotional week that I am totally exhausted. I've had a headache since Wednesday----in a few days it should be gone.

All my love to my family, who keep me going and refuse to let me give up. I love you forever. Read on.....

I had a terribly hard day today. I cried more than I have in several weeks. The judge's decision on Wednesday has me crying anytime someone asks how things are going. I fall apart and eventually the person who asked the question is crying with me. I got to see my babies and started sobbing after they left. I hate this emotional roller coaster. My time as their mother is limited, but I don't know how limited yet. Why would anyone believe my children deserve to be fatherless because of an untimely death, and choose to deliberately take them away from their mother because she thought her family was more important than anything else. I realize I have the opportunity for an appeal, but in the meantime I lose months and years of watching my children grow up. Nobody can give that back to me. I HATE the judge and those who claim to care about me and my children, yet are doing everything they can to make sure I lose any parenting rights to my own children. I know I need to keep praying and have faith, but that is all wavering right now. I need my depression meds increased, especially if the rest of the weekend is like the past couple of days have been. The depression is winning and my meds are NOT helping me right now. My parents leave tomorrow and my two oldest children will not be home this weekend. I really need some alone time to cry and not worry anyone. I am soooo ANGRY, but I don't know what to do with the anger. That's about all I can deal with right now. My hate and anger are getting the best of me. I want to scream and yell @)#(%*&(*&)@(# as loud as I can. It's hard to believe that there's a reason for all of this. Life sucks! I'm not sure I'll ever get to be happy the way I always hoped and dreamed that I could be. Life goes on---fortunately or unfortunately---but which is better? I'm not going to do anything drastic, but I've got so much anger that I don't know how to handle it. I love my children and I have to spend each moment with them as if it may be my last. I leave visitation and cry the whole 45 minutes home. When does my punishment end? I need a major whole body massage. I can't relax anymore because my mind is constantly reeling with what ifs and whens. I'm finished for right now. I'm tired of being angry.

I'm supposed to not lose hope, it's awful hard to feel hopeful. I miss my anchor in my life. I need to hear that I'm not the terrible person the court and DHHS makes me out to be. I thought I was protecting my family, specifically my 2 children. The judge has decided that the termination hearing will take place in February. My lawyer said the door has not been closed yet. If I can be cured of my depression by Feb, then I may have a chance at being allowed to be the parent to my 2 youngest children. In the meantime they will probably be going to NY within the next month. The NY aunt has asked to adopt my children, in court.

I will miss out on my visitation with my children this week. The judge ordered that all of the out of town, or in town, families get to visit with my children for 2-3 hours each. I was not allowed to visit with them because my visits have to be supervised. At least my visitations were not totally taken away, yet.

Why isn't loving my children enough? I would do anything for them, but nobody seems to care.

The aunt got on the stand today and lied through her teeth. She told the court that she was a very involved aunt and gave them gifts. Almost everything she testified to was a lie. My oldest was beside herself in court and had to leave the courtroom. That family doesn't understand why my two oldest HATE that side of the family. Both of my girls NEVER want to have anything to do with any of that group of relatives.

I'm trying to keep some hope alive, but it's so hard to. My 2 youngest aren't allowed to love their mother. My husband and his family are supposed to behave as if I'm dead. The courts have taken most of my family away---and they want to know why I'm suffering from severe depression?????? At least this time I'm not contemplating suicide. The increase in meds has helped that thought to remain a distant thought. When do I get my life back????? Will I ever get my life back???? I feel as if I'm under a microscope 24/7. I constantly question my own innocent actions, and wonder if once again I'm making the wrong decision. As usual, the judge was quick to remind everyone who was listening, that I was absolutely a monster for what I allowed my children to live with. I believe my children loved their step-father.

I am so physically and emotionally exhausted. I've got to remain hopeful, but it's so hard to see. Parenting classes are still ordered, but since I have no children use any of the new information with, why bother? Because the court said so For the time being I am still employed. I'm still allowed to be a mom to my oldest children. I know they love me dearly and don't understand how the court could possibly believe they should no longer have a younger brother and sister.

Life must go on, despite the negative decisions made today. I must remember that I've battled for my life, literally, and come out on top. I hope that I'm able to win this battle. I seem to have little control over any of these decisions. It's all in God's hands. I have to remain faithful to God, but it seems so hard to do right at the moment. I'll thank God for the little gifts today: I got to wave and smile at my two babies from across the courtroom; my sisters were able to be here to support me--as were my parents; my therapist testified on my behalf; the therapist that monitors my visitations called me to briefly talk about court today; the ad litum (sp) seemed to be willing to give me a chance to prove I am a good mom; my lawyer thought the judge left the door open just enough to give me a small, microscopic chance to prove I can beat my depression; my friend from church, who lost her husband about 2 years ago, was at court to talk to me and followed me home while I cried and blasphemed my "in-laws"; tomorrow I get to talk to my therapist; and lastly, I got to write all of this down for any and all to see. Please pray for me and especially my children, all 4 of them. They are all suffering because I believed my family was important and refused to call the police because of an addiction from which my loving husband was suffering from. I believe the court would rather lock him away and try to forget that he has a sickness that nobody wants to address. It won't cure him or assist him in dealing with the sickness, but it will make the police happy. His sickness is something that should be dealt with. He is miserable within himself---but nobody seems to care. The courts and the police seem to believe there are never any extenuating circumstances which might account for certain actions taken. Life is either black or white---all those who fall in the BAD category must PAY. Those in charge don't ever look at the person, just at the mistake that was made. God forgives and gives people a second chance. Why is the court a higher power than God? If we must PAY, then why don't we deserve to get the psychological help we need and try to become people who can once again make positive contributions to society.

I suppose I'll need to get on my soapbox to try to change how society views certain types of illnesses. My therapist plans to make my case one of his issues for which he is willing to lose some patients to get things changed. He believes what has happened to me is an abomination to those who deeply love their families. I am being persecuted for being in love with my husband. God knows my heart and I have to focus on that. I'll do my best to deal with whatever happens in my life.

I wish I could receive phone calls from everyone I love, just to hear their voices, but I know that's not to be.

Tomorrow is another day, one step closer to effectively dealing with my depression and getting my children all home with me.

My prayers go out to those of you who read this. May your life be blessed in ways you never imagined. Don't take love for granted, because ANYONE can take it all away in a heartbeat.