I got to visit with my some of my family this weekend. My visit has revitalized me but has also left me needing more time with them. Not much to say today.

Talked with my lawyer and he gave his plan for the next few months. He answered most of the questions I had prepared to ask him. I feel that he really has a good handle on my situation. He confers with a fellow colleague as to how to proceed in the judge's court. He is planning on talking to a few enemies involved in this case, to be able to file a contempt charge with regards to the system that constantly tells my children information the judge specifically stated should be kept quiet.

Thanks for the hope I received this weekend. I miss my family terribly. I can't plan for anything, but I know I will always be only a thought away---as are they. Family is all I've ever wanted and needed, aside from God.

Got a new book this weekend, so I suppose I'll see how long I can stay awake while reading.

Another day at work tomorrow. I thank God I still have a job----one that I love. I know I make a difference in some children's lives. My goal for this year is to give hope to those who don't seem to have any. I also need hope from others for what has happened in my life this year. Many times it's easier to give the hope than to feel the hope. I am truly blessed with my family, no matter how near or far they may be from me physically. In my heart they are always there. I must hope I am always in their heart.

I got to see my babies today. They were both wound up, but I had a difficult time being in a good mood. I know that I only have a few weeks left to visit with them, but I feel I have to pretend that these visits will continue for a long long time. My children were surprised when I asked them what they wanted for Christmas. They thought I wouldn't be getting them presents since they weren't living with me right now. The truth of it is, my oldest was told they would no longer be in my state by the Dec. holidays. I may not be allowed to see them again, if the judge and my sister-in-law have their way.

I wish I could take a long vacation away from all of the turmoil my life is in right now. I'd like to take my two oldest on a cruise, but I'm afraid to schedule anything because my life is still on hold.

I may have to testify against my ex-husband. I'm not looking forward to that at all. I literally become paralyzed when on the witness stand. I don't remember most of what has happened in court.

I thank God for my family, especially my two oldest children. Life will go on, but when? Can't wait to visit my child at college this weekend. Any time with my girls is cherished. Not everyone has that time with their babies. I love you girls.
Mom

I've been feeling a little under the weather today. This is when it would be nice to have someone to take care of me. I miss that. I didn't go to work, but had to attend class with DA. My depression has taken a very strong hold on me today. My body and mind are so worn down that just walking around took more energy than I felt I had.

I need to get away from here. I need time when I don't have to worry about my children and what's going on in their lives. I always worry, but if I'm not home they can only talk to me. Is that awful???? I've got to focus on me for a few hours so I can be the mom my children need me to be.

I miss the TLC I used to enjoy---backrubs, holding hands, kisses, eye gazing, arms around me to help me feel secure & loved. Someday I'll be that lucky again, someday.

"Dancing With the Stars" is over for tonight, so I guess I'll get out my music and think about what my life used to be like. I have lots of good memories, but that's all I have now. I had a wonderful husband, but he's out of my life now. I sit and wait for the court to decide my fate along with that of my youngest children.

I may call my psychiatrist tomorrow and see if she'll increase my meds. I can't go on feeling this way for very long. I enjoyed the happiness I'd found.

Sweet dreams!!!!!!!

My mind has been reeling and not allowed me to have a restful sleep. It seems I've not had the welcomed sleep I used to enjoy. Security, serenity, and physical closeness have not been a part of my life in many months. My heart breaks because the loved ones in my life may never be seen again. My entire life waits on those bent on destroying my faith in reunification. I know God has plans, but it is difficult to find meaning in all of this destruction. I need to be on my hilltop basking in the moonlight and praying for my family. I am afraid to have any positive thoughts because I can't bear to be crushed again. I want to look at my little one's faces and hold them in my arms and be able to tell them we'll never be apart again. I won't let the system destroy my family. I know, or at least I believe, I will somehow have a hand in changing what happens to families who are doing everything to change their lives for the better. I see children everyday who deserve better than they have, yet the parents are not held accountable, in a positive way. I'd like to give those kids hope, yet I'm unable to help my own. My hilltop holds many dreams for me, most of which may never come to fruition. I'm leary of dreaming of the future I used to assume I was due. I'm trying to "go with the flow," but tsunamis are quite difficult to 'ride.' Maybe the right surf board would make the journey easier? God is and should remain my surf board, but sometimes it is very difficult to stay right in the center. I'm just hoping for a small amount of safety and some calm winds, maybe a warm gentle breeze for even just a few hours. I have longed for some sense of security, no matter how brief, to make these next few months even years bearable or tolerable. I've made promises which I intend to keep, no matter what. Loyalty, faithfulness, and honesty have always been top priorities to me. Now I add God to the top of my list. I've never put God first, but I must, to be able to get through life --- especially now.

Jimmy, where is my song? Can't I be Meg Ryan for just a few hours? My dreams could come true and I'd get to be with someone who truly loves me. Everything would be OK-----even in my dreams. I can't even find the right dream to give me encouragement. I need to spend several hours on my hilltop where no bad thoughts can bother me. I suppose that's another night. Tonight I spend all alone, just me and my blog. At least I win every argument----most of the time.

dreaming of a life to come........

My new CD was the perfect compilation of songs. I cried, sobbed, smiled and even laughed. It seemed to sum up my life. I knew Carly was one of my favorites, but never really thought Jimmy Durante would be a fav also. He made me cry, not his voice, but the words. The producer of that CD was brilliant, it was almost as if the producer knew my heart. Sometimes there are songs and CDs that truly understand what a person can have in their heart. This is one of those CDs that I will listen to often. I have a few songs on separate CDs that I replay over and over, but not an entire CD. I'm so glad I decided to make the investment, it was well worth it.