I got to spend most of the weekend with J. She and I just watched football, basketball, and all of the DVRs of her favorite show "What Not to Wear." We've thought about nominating her older sister, especially since the older sis has a birthday soon.

Not much to write.

I don't get to see my babies until Thursday. How do I answer their questions about when they get to come home again?

We aren't going to decorate for Christmas this year. This is usually the weekend we take care of all of that. I'm not sure we'll do anything for the holiday. We can't make any plans because I'm not in control of my life. Where will my children be and what will I be allowed to do? I'd rather just pass the holiday by. I suppose this would be the year to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. We don't plan on purchasing much in the way of gifts for each other. I don't know what will happen with the gifts I get for the little ones. I'm just hoping to be able to celebrate with all 4 of my children, at the same time, even for just one hour. I know it's more than some will get.

I pray the judge decides my sister should get custody of my children, if she won't let me get them back. The depression is sneaking up on me, so I'd better close for now. I don't want to go there.

God bless all of you.

I got to visit with my youngest children today. Everything seemed to be going well until the volunteer worker for the "enemy" showed up the last few minutes of my time with my children. She walked in and I could feel my demeanor change and I began to shut down emotionally. Why was she here, to prove to herself I was the monster they all assume I am? No, she had important mail to deliver to my children, from the aunt who is intent on taking them away from me forever.

After my kids left I decided to question the worker. I was soooo angry. I asked her why she thought my children, whose father passed away several years ago, should also lose their mother. She gave me lots of B.S. She also stated that "they" weren't sure that my son hadn't been molested. Their side was still checking that out. If they can't pin that on my husband, do they go after me next? I'm positive nothing happened to my son, but I feel they are intent on making me pay. In the police investigation they, the police, testified that nothing happened to my son, but the "enemy" won't let it go. I'm not exactly sure who is driving this alleged abuse. I'm told that a male police officer is intent on my being put in jail. So, since I haven't done anything I expect they're trying to come up with anything to have me arrested. Why can't they be concerned for children whose lives are really in peril? Must they destroy my family?

Today my children wanted to know when they got to come home. Now I must lie to my children because I'm not allowed to say anything. They wanted me to come over for Thanksgiving or they wanted to come to our house. I can't tell them that the judge and a few others want me permanently out of their lives. I was trying to keep my family together, now it is torn apart, probably forever.

This worker wanted to know where my oldest children were. She thought they'd come with me to visitation. I told her that DHS had changed the rules again. First my oldest could only have visitation if they came with me. Then nobody was allowed to come with me and they had to set up their own visits. Then they were told they could no longer have visitation. This volunteer had no idea. She said she'd check into things and get back with me, just like she was going to check on a few other issues for me. She NEVER got back to me. She's just as honest as the rest of them. It's OK for the opposite side to openly lie, even in court, but I can't even tell the truth and be believed.

So, this holiday is excruciating. I'm not allowed to be with my children nor my husband. My two oldest will be here and I'll make it a good holiday with them. We'll all pretend that life is good and not talk about how unhappy and miserable we all are.

I count down the number of days I have left to visit with my babies before the judge, in her wisdom, decides my children would be better off being put up for adoption.

If I wasn't employed, college educated, or able to financially take care of my children they would have been back home several months ago. The judge continually tells me that because I am smart I should have know better than to try and keep my family together. I should have kicked my husband out and called the police. Apparently marriage vows mean nothing to the judge. I pledged to God that I would be married for better or for worse. My family has always been the most important thing to me. Now I'm being punished because they were.

As usual, I'm afraid the authorities are trying to do what they can to be certain I end up in jail. I haven't done anything illegal, but that doesn't matter. If they want someone to "pay" they'll find a way to make it happen.

Well, I guess it's time my depression meds get doubled again. Thank goodness I have an appointment on Monday. I feel as if I'm falling apart again. The doom and gloom have started to settle in me again. I'm not as low as I was a few months ago, but it's slowly creeping back into my thoughts and actions. I have to learn to deal with this by myself. I can't share this with my family because I don't want them to worry about anything else. I'm not suicidal, just gliding toward the bottom again---slow but steady.

I got word that the rent money that is due probably won't be paid. I learned that all of the checks he's issuing will be bouncing. His accountant doesn't know how he'll make it another month. Just add that to the list of my worries. He's clueless and doesn't seem to care.

My prayer tonight and every night will be for the safety of my children, especially my youngest. I also pray that my sister's homestudy and all the paperwork that entails will be finished very very soon. If the judge is going to take my children away, I'd like them to be with my sister, eventhough that means I won't be able to talk to my sister for at least 11 years. But I'll know my children are well cared for and safe. My name won't be used in conjuntion with ugly words. My sister will tell my children how much I love them and that I want to see them when they are 18. I only want my children happy. I will give up what I have to, including being their mom, if they can go to live with my family. I have done everything for my children, but that isn't enough for the judge. Why doesn't God soften hearts and help them understand why I did what I did? I couldn't break the law if I tried. I can't even speed when I'm driving, but the judge doesn't want to hear about any of that. No matter what I do it's wrong in the judge's eyes. Why isn't love important?

Enough for tonight. I just get myself angry again. I have more anger in my heart than I think I've ever had, but I don't know how to get rid of it.

Tomorrow will require some cooking for my oldest children, so I need to close for tonight.

The smaller tree needs some watering. It's beginning to wilt again. Maybe in the next week or so it will rain. Until then, the roots just grow stronger and stronger, refusing to give up and die. The tree has been through much adversity and always survived. Once again I know it will triumph.

I'm worried about the next few days and weeks. What does God have in store for my family? Does the system really care about the children? Why would they believe my children should lose the only living parent they have? I got to visit with my babies yesterday. My son, who is 8 years old, kept telling me that he loved me---not just once but over and over. I loved hearing that, but was also sad that I may not get to hear that for much longer. If the court and my so-called sister-in-law have their way, she'll get my children forever. He even sat in my lap for quite awhile. He really is a momma's boy and I love that. My 7 year old daughter always hops up in my lap and always needs to be touching me. She is sooooo sweet. I got to brush her hair and kiss her and tell her I loved her. I tell them both how much I love them. Why is keeping my family together being used against me? I am a good mom and love my children dearly, but those with the power don't care. I'm angry that my children's feelings really aren't being taken into consideration. My two oldest children are depressed over this separation from their brother and sister. The system has changed its mind and decided siblings shouldn't be allowed to see each other. Rules continually are changed, at a moments notice. I'm so angry at what is being done to my family. The court really isn't for reunification, only about making me suffer as much as they can.

I'm worried about my husband (ex-husband to be exact). He is facing an unknown future and I can't help him. I believe that marriage is until death do us part. I've experienced that once and intend to fulfill my vows. How do I get people to understand that? My heart has been taken forever and I'm very happy about that. I don't give it away freely or easily, but I am sure about my decision and intend to stand by it. Love is forever. Always and forever

My youngest sister is amazing. She has never wavered in her resolve to do everything in her power to try to get temporary custody of my babies. I have got to be the luckiest sister on earth. She is awaiting a call from her lawyer in hopes of being able to file the necessary paperwork in court. She and my mother have already discussed the plan of how they'd be here the next day to get the kids. We all still believe the court has already decided they'll go to the sister-in-law, but we can still hope she'll truly be thinking about my kids when she makes this decision.

As my sister has told DCFS in her state about ALL of the events that have occurred, nobody can understand why I don't have my children home with me. In her state the kids would have been home quite awhile ago. Everyone who learns about my situation can't believe what the court has done. I wish I could find some similar situations in which the court gave the children back with the parental unit still intact. The farther we go with this the better chance we have of winning our appeal. The more feedback I get from others, the more resolve I have in fighting and winning. Those who have done this to my family will be brought to public scrutiny. I have no doubt they will regret their efforts to try to make me 'pay' for believing my family should be kept together. They don't understand how important my family and marriage vows are. The fight goes on. I am a survivor, and with God beside me (or maybe pushing and pulling me) I will be victorious.

I enjoyed dinner with my friend from church. Of course we ate at my favorite burger place. We talked for 2 1/2 hours about life, work, and my family.

I've got to get ready for work. Now I only have about 20 minutes. YIKES!!!!!!!
a......a.......m

I visited with my therapist today. We had some good conversations about my family and me. He was impressed with my family; with their unwavering support during these very trying times. He could tell I was the oldest because I was the most conservative among the siblings. I tried to keep people quiet and calm, while my sisters were noisy and seemed to be taking chances I would never take in the courtroom lobby. They really weren't taking any chances, but for me they were huge. He decided I would be a survivor, much different than when we first met. I told him I knew I'd survive, because I knew how to do that, I've had much practice. I was having difficulty seeing how I'd survive, but I feel certain I'll survive now. I don't know how, when, or where I'll be, but I refuse to go down without a fight. Even if I lose I won't give up. I'll continue fighting until my children---my whole family---are back with me. I may go down easily but I don't stay down. The system will regret what they're doing to my family. I am sure the papers and TV will find out what the system has done to my children.

He thought my children had been raised well and they wouldn't forget their mom.

He doesn't think my husband is a bad person, just someone who has difficulty controlling his impulses. My husband must get this under control. I can't go through life wondering when and if the truth or a lie is being told. Trust and honesty have always been important to me. I was never happier than when my husband and I were together. I will wait as long as it takes for him to get control of his addiction.

Gotta go.