J and I leave for a 12 hour drive tomorrow at 7:00. I'm nervous about leaving most of my family behind. I'll be glad when we're back. I've had a terrible fear of traveling for about 23 years. I'll be praying all the way to and from.

My sister J and daughter M believe I should hope for the appeal. My daughter J thinks I should try to mend the broken family ties and allow my 'sister-in-law' to have guardianship of my children. She's worried about how I'll feel if I don't get to see my babies. Now I'm down to once a month, on the 'aunt's' terms. She will have total control no matter what. I don't know what to do. I want to win this whole battle and get my children back for good. I don't know.

Won't be able to write until after the new year. Enjoy!

aafe

On Christmas day I got to talk to MY children for a few minutes. They told me about their plane ride and the gifts they'd received. It was pretty uneventful.

When the kids were done talking I asked to talk to the aunt. I pretty much blasted her with questions and comments: why do you hate me, family doesn't act like this, why were you against me, I am still their mom, do you know what it's like to have your children taken from you. I know there were many others---I was so mad. She couldn't give her standard answer of whatever the court decides. I also caught her off guard and I sensed she felt quite defensive and uneasy. Hooray for me. Then I talked to my sisters and didn't think I should have done that. They said she could refuse my phone calls and the court would not find her in contempt, which is true. So I'll call and apologize sometime this week. Hopefully she'll think about what I said. I never would have confronted anyone, so I think the meds are working. Now I just have to learn to control the new me.

Life goes on. This week J and I are going to drive 12 hours to visit my family. Neither of us wants to go, but after all they've done for me, I feel I must. We probably won't leave until Thursday, I suppose. Today I see my therapist and my lawyer.

aafe

It was difficult in church today as people are celebrating with their families. All I could think about was that my children are far away from me. I may never get to see them again. I wondered what they were doing and if they even thought of me. I know they'll be happy, and most of those people are probably rejoicing that they've taken my children from me.

Not much else to say. My older children and I are just going through the motions of the holiday, waiting for it to be over. Tomorrow we'll pretend we are enjoying life.

I'm ready for the season to be over.

aafe

It was one of the worst and yet best two hours of my life. It was the last time I will probably be allowed to see my children. We talked and played and cried. As the minutes ticked by I fell apart emotionally. With just 15 minutes left I couldn't quietly control my tears. I hugged, kissed and told them I loved them forever. Nothing could take my love away. They just wanted to know when they'd get to see me again and I had no answer. They are but 2 miles from my house for the next 20 hours, yet I am not allowed to see them. I know they'll be happy while I am miserable. The family is probably celebrating in their own sick way that I have lost my children and they have total control over my life.

I have to believe that my children will always love me and someday come back to me. It's very hard to believe that when I know the family they are living with will consider me dead, just as my late husband, their son and brother. They are all about punishing me. All of this has nothing to do with my children's welfare.

My life has to move on. I wait for the next court date in February when the next chapter of my life is written by those intent on destroying a loving and caring mom.

My oldest children are still in town and we'll get together for Christmas. My 18 year old and I may travel to see my parents and sisters sometime next week, but just for a few days. I'd rather stay home, but everyone far away would be too upset about my mental welfare if I didn't show up for at least a few days.

Tonight I have to finish my shopping. This fall has been extremely difficult to find the courage to get out to do anything. I have to get it done so my children will have presents on Monday. Hopefully I'll have time to stop by a friend's house on the way home, as both of my kids are busy this evening. I need some reassuring that life will go on.

aafe

My children are going with the enemy. I get to see them for 2 hours today and that's it. My two oldest girls, my sisters, mom and nephews are not allowed to see them---judge's orders. Now my visitation will consist of one phone call a week, to be monitored by the aunt.

I am devastated. Now I have to wait until February to see if my children are gone forever. I can't see God's plan. Maybe my children are better off without me. I don't believe that, but those with the control do.

Everyone who cares about me thought I did much better on the stand. Big deal, it didn't matter.

How do I go on?