I got to visit with my youngest children today. Everything seemed to be going well until the volunteer worker for the "enemy" showed up the last few minutes of my time with my children. She walked in and I could feel my demeanor change and I began to shut down emotionally. Why was she here, to prove to herself I was the monster they all assume I am? No, she had important mail to deliver to my children, from the aunt who is intent on taking them away from me forever.
After my kids left I decided to question the worker. I was soooo angry. I asked her why she thought my children, whose father passed away several years ago, should also lose their mother. She gave me lots of B.S. She also stated that "they" weren't sure that my son hadn't been molested. Their side was still checking that out. If they can't pin that on my husband, do they go after me next? I'm positive nothing happened to my son, but I feel they are intent on making me pay. In the police investigation they, the police, testified that nothing happened to my son, but the "enemy" won't let it go. I'm not exactly sure who is driving this alleged abuse. I'm told that a male police officer is intent on my being put in jail. So, since I haven't done anything I expect they're trying to come up with anything to have me arrested. Why can't they be concerned for children whose lives are really in peril? Must they destroy my family?
Today my children wanted to know when they got to come home. Now I must lie to my children because I'm not allowed to say anything. They wanted me to come over for Thanksgiving or they wanted to come to our house. I can't tell them that the judge and a few others want me permanently out of their lives. I was trying to keep my family together, now it is torn apart, probably forever.
This worker wanted to know where my oldest children were. She thought they'd come with me to visitation. I told her that DHS had changed the rules again. First my oldest could only have visitation if they came with me. Then nobody was allowed to come with me and they had to set up their own visits. Then they were told they could no longer have visitation. This volunteer had no idea. She said she'd check into things and get back with me, just like she was going to check on a few other issues for me. She NEVER got back to me. She's just as honest as the rest of them. It's OK for the opposite side to openly lie, even in court, but I can't even tell the truth and be believed.
So, this holiday is excruciating. I'm not allowed to be with my children nor my husband. My two oldest will be here and I'll make it a good holiday with them. We'll all pretend that life is good and not talk about how unhappy and miserable we all are.
I count down the number of days I have left to visit with my babies before the judge, in her wisdom, decides my children would be better off being put up for adoption.
If I wasn't employed, college educated, or able to financially take care of my children they would have been back home several months ago. The judge continually tells me that because I am smart I should have know better than to try and keep my family together. I should have kicked my husband out and called the police. Apparently marriage vows mean nothing to the judge. I pledged to God that I would be married for better or for worse. My family has always been the most important thing to me. Now I'm being punished because they were.
As usual, I'm afraid the authorities are trying to do what they can to be certain I end up in jail. I haven't done anything illegal, but that doesn't matter. If they want someone to "pay" they'll find a way to make it happen.
Well, I guess it's time my depression meds get doubled again. Thank goodness I have an appointment on Monday. I feel as if I'm falling apart again. The doom and gloom have started to settle in me again. I'm not as low as I was a few months ago, but it's slowly creeping back into my thoughts and actions. I have to learn to deal with this by myself. I can't share this with my family because I don't want them to worry about anything else. I'm not suicidal, just gliding toward the bottom again---slow but steady.
I got word that the rent money that is due probably won't be paid. I learned that all of the checks he's issuing will be bouncing. His accountant doesn't know how he'll make it another month. Just add that to the list of my worries. He's clueless and doesn't seem to care.
My prayer tonight and every night will be for the safety of my children, especially my youngest. I also pray that my sister's homestudy and all the paperwork that entails will be finished very very soon. If the judge is going to take my children away, I'd like them to be with my sister, eventhough that means I won't be able to talk to my sister for at least 11 years. But I'll know my children are well cared for and safe. My name won't be used in conjuntion with ugly words. My sister will tell my children how much I love them and that I want to see them when they are 18. I only want my children happy. I will give up what I have to, including being their mom, if they can go to live with my family. I have done everything for my children, but that isn't enough for the judge. Why doesn't God soften hearts and help them understand why I did what I did? I couldn't break the law if I tried. I can't even speed when I'm driving, but the judge doesn't want to hear about any of that. No matter what I do it's wrong in the judge's eyes. Why isn't love important?
Enough for tonight. I just get myself angry again. I have more anger in my heart than I think I've ever had, but I don't know how to get rid of it.
Tomorrow will require some cooking for my oldest children, so I need to close for tonight.
The smaller tree needs some watering. It's beginning to wilt again. Maybe in the next week or so it will rain. Until then, the roots just grow stronger and stronger, refusing to give up and die. The tree has been through much adversity and always survived. Once again I know it will triumph.
I wish!
Always and forever
