This past weekend my 18 year old was home. We spent time together shopping for clothes for her. I enjoyed our time together. My husband helped me understand my children better and make time for them. He was such a good sounding board when I needed it. He always seemed to know what to say to make my relationships with my older children continue to grow stronger. What will I do without his inspiration and knowledge? I'm sure he's taught me well, and I'll just have to lean upon the knowledge he's given me and do the best I can. He is wonderful with all of his children. The kids are blessed to have him, and someday they'll all realize what a gift he was in their lives. He is still an awesome father, his children will have many great memories which will leave them smiling while he is out of town.

I'm getting quite nervous about Wednesday's appointment. I'm afraid of what could happen, but I've tried to prepare myself the best I can. My out of town family will be in on Tuesday. They are all doing what they can to support me and my children. They truly understand what is meant by being part of a family. My in-laws are clueless about what it means to support family. They are all against me and are still doing what they can to tear my family apart. The family I'd like to count on, because I know they're always there for me, I'm not allowed to have contact with. I know I'm always part of their family regardless of what others have allowed. Their love for me is endless, and that keeps me going. I know if I needed anything they'd be there in a heartbeat.

I get my meds evaluated tomorrow. I feel better, but I think I need an increase. I laugh more than I've laughed in several months, maybe even longer than that. I feel more joy on a daily basis than I've felt in some time. I don't have nearly as much paranoia as I've had since the summer, there's still quite a bit there, but not as much as I had 2 weeks ago.

I'm thinking of visiting my daughter at school. I'd like to surprise her and show up at school. I know she'd be happy. Living alone isn't that great. I don't get to call on the phone and just talk like I wish I could. I don't even know where to call.

Life goes on, unfortunately not the way I thought it would be. I know how I'd like my life to be when I retire, and that's what I have to focus on. What happens in between isn't in my control, not much of it anyway. I have to stay healthy--specifically cancer free. Life is such a gamble, but God is beside ALL of us, no matter where we are. Just look inside your heart and you'll always know who is beside you, no matter what.

Today my 18 year old and I went to get our hair cut. The lady cutting my hair asked my a question about my "sister." Of course, I had to tell her that she was my daughter. She said I must have started early, to which I replied that I'd started late. I asked her how old she thought I was. She didn't believe I was 40 yet. Boy, was she surprised when I told her my real age. It sure was fun to have someone think I was that young.

Had fun visiting my babies. We played baby dolls and tried building with a deck of cards. My son had more fun destroying what we'd built. They were both clingy today, not that I'm complaining.

Talked to my financial advisor who said that my insurance money was safe from the ex-family. All they'd be able to get is child support and SS money.

Saw a black fiat today while driving home. I really enjoyed getting to see one drive by. Wished I still owned one myself, but I wouldn't know how to take care of one nor get it fixed. Maybe some day I'll own one again. I'll add that to my wishes and hopes for the future. I'll also be fit and trim when I finally get to be with the person I believe God wants me to be with. I'll wait as long as it takes. I am a survivor. All good things are worth the wait, deep down I know and believe that.

I survived my late husband's birthday yesterday. In years past I've always had emotional difficulties prior to his birthday. This year my depression meds have been doubled and it has worked quite well. I didn't have my usual bouts of depression or insecurities which I've usually experienced. Unfortunately, nobody was able to see how well I survived this year, but I did.

Got out of class early and ready to go to sleep.
(this is my 2nd blog for today, read on)

My 18 year old comes home tomorrow so we can go to the local football game to watch the band. She is looking forward to seeing some old friends. She is maturing so much while at college. Both of my older children are so beautiful!!! I am a proud mama.

Seeing my babies is one of the major highlights of my week. My son is his usual self, soooo funny. We played 'hot potato, hot potato, hot potato, hot' with his rules, which seemed to change when he needed them to. We all laughed and laughed. My youngest seems to feel more comfortable each time we visit. I sense that she is optimistic that she'll get to see me again. The rules were changed for visitation once again. Nobody else in my family is allowed to join me during my visits, they must schedule their own. Of course, the problem once again, is that nobody will answer emails in a timely fashion. The frustration on our parts continues to grow. I get to see my babies again tomorrow. We've taken swome great pictures during the visits. I wish I could show them to everyone, they're great!

I try to remember to be thankful for all of the little gifts I receive each day from God.

I also thank God that someday, many years from now, I'll finally get my house and shop. It will take years before I'm able to financially afford that, but I'll never stop believing that's what is meant to happen. There will just be many bumps in that path, but I am confident it will happen, in God's time, not mine. I have always needed to be able to plan for the future, but not this time. I know where I want to be many years from now, but I have no idea how or exactly when I'll get there. In the meantime I just keep believing that God will continue to nurture my trees and keep them alive until God's plan is ready to be realized. I know God knows my heart and I truly believe my entire family will be together again one day. Patience, determination and faith will be my guides. My family is ALWAYS in my heart, no matter what situations we seem to be struggling through. I miss all of my children, but we'll be together again, someday. I know they all love me and I thank God for that. My parents are also there for me always. I am in an awesome family, and I hope they know how I feel, even when I can't tell them that.
always, all ways

I have been suffering from depression for many years, but I never realized how severely depressed I was. Last week I was lucky enough to be referred to a psychiatrist. She decided the medicine I was on was not strong enough so she doubled my dosage. I haven't felt this optimistic in a very long time. I don't feel completely overwhelmed or hopeless any longer.

Today I decided to play my piano, as my therapist suggested. I cried because some of the songs made my heart ache. I wished I could sing them to the love of my life, but that isn't possible. My therapist said he hadn't seen me smile or hear me laugh since he's known me, which is almost 3 months. He thought I looked better than he's ever seen me look. He was very encouraged my change in dosage.

I'm trying to get my children back home with me. The system took them away because they thought I was unable to make wise parental decisions. Many things have happened in my life these last few months, which mostly consist of tearing my family apart because the system thinks I deserve to suffer.

I get to see my babies tomorrow. I can't wait. I'm enjoying my job once again. I see my life more clearly than I have in quite awhile. I have my priorities straight---finally. I will live for my children for the next 10 years, or so, then I may be able to live out my life as I'd always hoped I might, God willing.

Life will go on. I love everyone in my entire family, even those I don't get to see as often as I'd like.