Not much has happened in the past couple of months. I've decided not to appeal. My oldest daughter contacted one of our state senators to see if she could do anything. Had my hopes up, but they soon were dashed. I'm entitled to one 15 phone conversation per month, but each month I call at least 20-30 times just waiting for the time the aunt decides to allow me time with my kids. She will NOT let my two oldest talk or visit with my 2 youngest. Her standard answer, if and when she chooses to answer, is to tell them that she'll call them when she believes the time is right. She avoids answering any questions with an actual answer. Her standared comment used to be "whatever the court decides," the new answer is "not at this time." She has no idea the anger and hatred she has created for herself from her deceased biological children. Yet she and her parents seem clueless as to why my oldest children loathe their father's family. Just thought I'd share. Life goes on, such as it is.
God bless all.

Life just seems to be passing by fairly slowly. I called to speak to my babies and nobody answered. Subsequently I fell apart. I can't imagine the next 10 years of the monthly disappointments in not getting to speak to my children because the aunt doesn't have to do anything she doesn't feel like doing. I hit bottom and wait for the depression to lift so I can get on with my life until I call again.

For the most part I think I remain fairly numb emotionally, it's much easier.

Hope all is going well with my friends and family. God bless all of you.
aafe

The judge didn't terminate my parental rights as we thought she would. DHHS messed up on their timelines to get everything finished by so the judge couldn't terminate or we would have an easy appeal. So instead she gave the aunt permanent custody of my children. I am only allowed to see them in their new home town 4 weekends a year. Even if they come to my town, where their sisters and grandparents live, I am NOT allowed to see them. The four weekends have already been determined and the times will always be from noon until 4:00. I will get to talk to them 15 minutes one time a month. The judge said I was undermining my children's adjustment to their new surroundings. She never said what I was doing, so how will I know if I'm doing it again? The aunt will always be there to oversee the visits and she may terminate them anytime she'd like during each visit. She will not give my children the cards I've sent them. I'm finding it difficult to be glad my rights weren't terminated. I will be allowed to see my children for 32 hours each year, only if the aunt doesn't cut it short. Too tired to continue writing.

aafe

Tomorrow I go back to court again. I feel much better and have a positive attitude. I have been praying and praying that everything gets dismissed.

I saw my babies this past weekend. They were fun and funny. My son seemed to enjoy pushing his aunt's buttons, but I'm not sure she even realized he was pushing her buttons.

I've had a difficult week emotionally, but I've made it through so far.

I'll try to update you tomorrow evening.
aafe

I've taken another growth turn in my life. I am currently practicing the power of positive thinking. I must use all of my belief in GOD and thinking positively that my children will be home by this summer, for good. I've wasted too much time focusing on the negative, something I've done for most of my life. I've finally realized that all of my thinking must be on GOD's awesome power and stop thinking I can do any of this by myself. I know that GOD put the right people in my life and I need to know and believe that GOD will bring my children home very soon. My next step will be to positively change the system that has become corrupt and no longer seems to follow its own personal belief in family reunification. I know that my experience will be used to influence changes to keep families together. I don't know how, when, where, or with whom I'll be doing this, but I believe GOD will show me the way if my mind stays open to His path.

I'm really enjoying moving away from all of the negative thinking I've always done. Several people at work have commented in the last few weeks that I seem happier than I've ever been.

I'm even contemplating exercising----mind you I'm only contemplating. Someday I'll actually exercise. Well, I did walk briskly for about 15 minutes this afternoon. I really love this new me. I might even be fun----trust me, that's quite new for me. I'm an old fuddy-duddy, at least my teen-agers think so.

Back at you later.
aafe